BILL O'REILLY: All right. Let's get to the State of the Union first. You watched it. What did you think?
DENNIS MILLER: Well, first off, Bill, I have to tell you, I'm operating under a heavy heart tonight, what with this John Kerry announcement that he's not going to run, going back to his day job as an Easter Island statue. I'll try to soldier on.
BILL O'REILLY: Now, the [Mike] Nifong situation, Duke situation, that situation. Here we have a case that should be thrown out -- I think you agree with that -- now. And you have this rogue prosecutor. He's off the case now. What do you think should happen to this guy?
DENNIS MILLER: Well, listen. I think obviously he should be disbarred. I think he should be sent to jail. And I think if there's any karma in the universe, as part of a work-release program he should be sent out into the community to do strip tease at sorority parties.
I mean, the guy is obviously a local doofus wearing Hagar slacks up to his belly button. He always thought his life was going to pan out to be a John Grisham character. It didn't happen that way. He wanted to get it into the pension barn. He had this Tom Wolfe scenario dropped in his lap.
And like every guy down there with a Christ-complex, he wanted to be Atticus Finch. Except in this case, there was only one "mockingbird" that was killed, and it was those three kids.
In recent appearances Miller has toned down his political extremism coincident with the decline in public support for Bush administration policies. Although in his Conan appearance he did express his religion based contempt for science. You know like his Mentor and fellow party member Bush - Global Warming - pooey. Stem Cell Research - can't allow it. Abortions - lock 'em up.
For those of you who missed his October '04 Leno appearance, here are some of Miller's comments:
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They talk about "sacred sites", and guys get inside these holy places and start shooting at us, and we can't shoot back. That's crap, I mean they've got more holy sites over there than we have Starbucks. I like Bush because he doesn't overthink this. Bush gets up every morning, hops out of bed, his two feet hit the floor, he scratches his balls and says, "Let's kill some f---ing terrorists." |
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| The following article appeared in Shredding Paper #15 in May of 2002. It's a transcript of one of republican "comedian" Dennis Miller's appearances on the Jay Leno show. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Miller, he came into national prominence in the '80s as host of Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update segment and an ad campaign for a beer company. In the early '90s he had a talk show which had a major problem booking name guests, and quickly folded. He followed that up with a weekly HBO show and an acting career. Then, in a bizzare twist he was added to the Monday Night Football lineup as an analyst, drawing very negative reaction from fans and critics alike. After the 2001 season Miller was fired by ABC, and then had HBO cancel his weekly show as well. With his acting work having dried up as well, Miller sought to put his right-wing politics to use by recasting himself as a more witty, acerbic version of Rush Limbaugh, making it hip to hate. Funnyman or fascist - you decide. - Mel C
Twenty years ago if you wanted to hear preachings of hate against most of the world's population, you might have had to attend a Klan rally or Neo-Nazi meeting. You certainly weren't going to see or hear it on television. But now, thanks to our "liberal media" (Ha ha) you can just flip on the government regulated hate box (Radio or TV, the choice is yours.) and be informed that as an American, you are part of the world's current master race. Dennis Miller appeared not once, but twice on the Jay Leno show in February to preach his hip brand of hate. You don't need to turn on the tube for long these days to hear some hate-mongering toward France, and apparently, Dennis Miller and numerous other media pundits have forgotten that after the 9/11 attacks the French were the first nation to come to the aid of the U.S., flying combat missions in Afghanistan. It's interesting to note that these war-mongering super-patriots are never found anywhere near a battlefield. George W. Bush managed to avoid military service in Viet Nam, and I'm sure that Leno and Miller would have loved to serve in the military, but unfortunately it conflicted with their scheduled dates to play the Ha-Ha Club. Isn't it interesting that Leno always performs with an American flag in his lapel. Here's a guy who makes millions of dollars tearing down this country on a nightly basis, and somehow sees himself as a patriot. Here is the transcript of the first of the two appearances Miller made on Leno in February of 2002. I have to let you know that in his subsequent apperance on Leno, February 25th, Miller literally advocated criminal assaults on peace demonstrators!!! It's safe to say that Miller has a lot more in common with the thugs who took over Germany in the 1930's than he'd care to admit. |
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Leno: What did you think of the President's speech. (State Of the Union)
Leno: Yeah
Leno: Yeah, that's interesting.
Leno: There ya go.
Leno: Uday, yeah, yeah.
Leno: Yeah.
Leno: (Laughs)
Leno: Wow.
Leno: Yeah, yeah.
Leno: How about North Korea, what are your feelings on this?
Leno: Buddy Holly.
Leno: Well, how about the Democrats? What do you think's gonna happen there?
Leno: Yeah, yeah.
Leno: (Laughs)
Leno: Yeah, yeah.
Miller: I liked the crux of the speech. Ya know what? I'm, I'm a Bush fan. (Person in the crowd whoops loudly and claps) I know you say that in this town and everybody goes crazy, but how long do we wait with these morons? You know Hans Blix to me is like Weapons Inspector Clouseau or something. They're in there foraging around , they're in the Scooby Doo van looking for weapons. (Crowd laughs) Listen, I know they're not going to present the evidence to us, like are we supposed to know everything? Don't you assume that Iraq and the Al Qaeda have each other on speed dial, (crowd laughs) I mean they're both big lunatics, I know they chat each other up once in a while. And I'm always surprised that people think Bush should call Hollywood and tell 'em what he's got. Hollywood? This town can't keep secrets, I know Craig Kilborn's deal for god's sakes. What is he gonna call out here for? It's just our turn, somebody's gonna get blown up next.
Miller: We've anteed up already, 9-11 was a big ante, ya know? It's our turn now. I wish we could get everybody on board. Sean Penn, for instance, is urging restraint. (Crowd laughs) Ya know, what could we possibly say to Sean to get him on board? If only Saddam Hussein was a paparazzi. (Crowd laughs and applauds) Listen I've met Sean, he seems like a hail fellow, well I like him. But he's one of those interesting guys where if I run into him now he'll wanna kick my ass because I insinuated he wasn't peaceful. (Jay and the crowd laugh) You know, that's the dichotomy out here.
Miller: I don't need to see any smoking guns except the one that just killed Saddam Hussein, quite frankly. (Scattered applause) I mean the guy is a horrible human, you gotta turn him upside down in town square like Mussolini (Loud applause and cheering) ya know?
Miller: I think you should treat him like Peter Graves at the end of Stalag 17, tie pots and pans on him and throw him into a Kurdish village and let the Kurds work on him a little. Ya know, the large Kurds not the small Kurds. It's time to even the score. These guys are talkin' trash to us everyday. Now we got Saddam Hussein's moron, playboy son Uday is talkin' stuff.To me, the only thing the Germans ever give their blessing to is sneezes, I don't care about the Germans.
Miller: Uday, he's in between cosmos at the local night spot Regimes, he's talkin' shit now. Ya know? It's unbelievable to me that Uday is staring us down. Uday is exactly what he's gonna say after our Navy Seals go over him like bulls at Pamplona. (Crowd laughs and cheers). Hey, Uday, ya know? Do you care if the French or the Germans are on board? The French are in the ball-buster business. Why do you think the only French most people know in this country is "Au Contraire?" I mean, the only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. (Crowd erupts into laughter and applause) There people are ..who cares about the French? You know the French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies. I mean, they've always been a problem. These guys take off work nationally on the day they invented Bernaise, who cares about the French? (Light laughter) And the Germans?
Miller: Do you think the country that hatched the last Hitler is even willing to concede the existence of the new? They're trying to keep that down. I assume most Germans everyday when they wake up their waking thought is "Wow, hope that Hitler thing was a bad dream." (Crowd laughs) And then they put the coffee machine on to remind them that it wasn't and they spend the rest of the day being pissed off that people know that they're idiots.
Miller: To me, the only thing the Germans ever give their blessing to is sneezes, I don't care about the Germans. (Crowd laughs and applauds) Jay, it's just time to go in now, we can't wait any longer. Who's gonna stop us in Iraq? The elite, Republican guard? I don't even hear about them this time through, you remember the last war? All we heard about was this elite cadre of killing machines. I was in Vegas last week, they're opening for Robert Goulet. (Crowd applauds)
Miller: I would make our whole army, or Air Force, I should say. I would make the whole Air Force these unmanned drones. Do you love that weapon, unmanned drones? (Some cheering and clapping)I've got a twelve year old, if you give him a barcalounger, bag of Doritos and a toggle switch, I guarantee you he'll fly one of those up Saddam Hussein's ass
Miller: Because this way you don't put any of our kids in harm's way. And you know what? I've got a twelve year old, if you give him a barcalounger, bag of Doritos and a toggle switch, I guarantee you he'll fly one of those up Saddam Hussein's ass and never wake him up. (Loud laughter and applause) Okay? Thank you. (Continued applause) My kid is a military genius waiting to happen.
Miller: Well listen, North Korea is the real reason we invade Iraq. This is just a shoot the cuffs war for the edification of Kim Jong Il as Kim Jong Yoke. What you do is, sand and heat makes glass, and when I left Iraq it would look like Superman's dad's apartment on Krypton (Crowd laughter). And then you look over at Kim Jong Il, and you go, "You really want a piece of this, mother(bleep)er?" (Loud crowd cheering and applause) That's why we go into Iraq. Listen, you know that Kim Jong Il has to be a ruthless man because you usually don't get to lead up a country when you look that freaky, do ya? (Crowd laughter) Have you seen this guy? He's like the Buddy Holly of the Pan-Pacific rim. (More crowd laughter)
Miller: What's with that hair? He's like a Chia dictator. (Laughter) I hope when somebody eventually blows that head off they have the good sense to bring it home in a jar because I know I'd pay a nickel to go see it in a tent show somewhere. (Crowd laughter, some clapping)
Miller: Well listen, obviously seven out of ten people in America today believe in this war. I think Bush made an effective pitch for it last night. I don't wanna trivialize it. Nobody wants war, but somebody's gonna get it next and, like I said, it's their turn to get it.
Miller: And, and people say "Well it wasn't Iraq." Well, ya know, come on they're all connected and we gotta do something eventually and I think if the Democrats don't get on board ...well, listen, Gore already saw the light, he knows that he had no chance, that's why he bailed out, and good riddance! Because I have trouble watching Gore, I know psoriasis sufferers who are more comfortable in their own skin than Al Gore. (Crowd laughter) ...sand and heat makes glass, and when I left Iraq it would look like Superman's dad's apartment on Krypton
Miller: And you know what? Gore lost me when he said he wasn't for vouchers for school children. I mean, that really blew my mind. Folks, listen, we can't agree on much but we all know that the school system in this country, the public school system, has gone to hell in a hand basket, why not try vouchers? Why not let people try to go to a different school even if it is a parochial school? (Crowd applauds loudly and cheers) We've got too much BS educational happy-talk by the liberals in this country. They don't want to grade. They don't want to call anybody on the carpet, they give you that stuff, "Oh, come on forget about grades, D's are just B's without their belt on!" Ya know? (Crowd laughs) The next thing you know, you're forty years old in a paper hat, going "You want something to brink with that Dig Mac?" (Crowd laughs heartily and applauds)
Miller: Listen, the whole educational system is getting soft. They now wanna get rid of dodge ball so nobody gets their feelings hurt. Dodge ball? (Some crowd laughter) For god's sakes, isn't life pretty much one, big, seventy-five year long episode of getting hit in the balls with one thing or another? (Crowd erupts into laughter and applause) We need dodge ball. The country's gotten too liberal. The ACLU spent this entire holiday season protesting public displays of the nativity scene. Yeah, that's the problem with America right now, public displays of Christ's birth, that's the problem. It's unbelievable to me. The ACLU will no longer fight for your right to put up a nativity scene, but they'll fight for the right of the local freak who wants to stumble onto the scene and have sex with one of the sheep. (Crowd laughter and applause) You know, that's how crazy it's gotten now.
