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Mel Cheplowitz

July '98

I was in the hospital last month for liposuction. It was my third cosmetic surgery this year. Having cosmetic surgery is a good way to find out who your real friends are. I don't need so called friends telling me I have an addictive disorder. The next time someone tells me I have a problem, I'm going to tell them that I look just fine, and maybe they're the ones with the fucking problem. I took some back issues into the hospital with me so I'd have something to read. I loaned a couple issues to the elderly man in the next bed. He quickly gave them back to me saying they seemed to be mostly ads. What a fucking jerk. I told him I worked for the zine, and he asked me how much they paid. This guy just didn't get it, he was probably too sick to think straight. Anyway, while I was reading through some of my old columns I caught a couple minor errors I want to correct.

spacer.gif (907bytes)Last issue I reported I'd heard on the news that they were having a problem at Yosemite National Park with bears breaking into cars and stealing the airbags out of them. That was an error. A few weeks ago I was driving somewhere with my friend Brett, from Cold Front Records. When he was locking up the car he asked if we had gotten all the food out. I asked what he meant, and he reminded me I had told him that I heard on the news there'd been an epidemic of thieves breaking into cars to steal food. That's when I realized I had mixed up two different stories that appeared on the same newscast.

spacer.gif (907bytes)Two issues back I mentioned that a lesbian I knew ran into Janet Reno in a gay bar in San Francisco. After the article came out, Teresa (not real name) called me up and denied that she had ever said that. Her version of the story is that she told me she was in a gay bar in San Francisco, and she met a really cute girl. She says that when I asked her what the girl looked like she said she looked a lot like Janet Reno. I felt dumb about reporting it wrong in my column, after all, what would Janet Reno have been doing in San Francisco?! Teresa (not real name) sure could have given me a better description though, I mean how many women in the bar didn't look a little like Janet Reno.

spacer.gif (907bytes)You may recall that several issues back I mentioned that I had gone to high school with Microsoft founder Bill Gates, and that we had been good friends. Last month I ran into Rich, another high school buddy, who also knew Bill. When I mentioned Bill Gates to him he reminded me that our high school friend's name was actually Bill Graves. I swear the guy bore a strong resemblance to Bill Gates, and Rich even agreed about that. Also, Bill Graves used to carry his pens in one of those plastic pocket protectors, and I think his Dad owned a computer, so it was an easy mistake to make. I'm reallly glad the whole thing is cleared up now, cause frankly I was pretty ticked off that Bill Gates hadn't been returning my calls.

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